Boundary Basics
Parenting is not something that has a right or wrong answer. There is no perfect formula that you can follow so that you can know absolutely 100% that you did everything right. (It would certainly be less stressful if there was!)
But if there were a magic trick to guarantee perfect parenting I think it would look a lot like modeling and setting healthy boundaries. In fact I’d go so far as to call it the golden rule of gentle parenting.
What is a boundary?
A boundary is a line that you set between yourself and the world about what you will and won’t tolerate. You’ll have lots of boundaries throughout your life as you grow and change as a person. As well as having different boundaries for different situations and different people.
My favorite metaphor for boundaries is to imagine your life as a house.
Some people may be allowed in your bedroom while other people are only allowed into your living room, or on the porch, but there are some things that aren’t allowed no matter where you are in the house.
Different people may be held to different boundaries – for example, maybe you feel comfortable with your partner putting their hand on your leg at dinner but if your boss did it that would be totally unacceptable.
Conversely, some boundaries are true no matter who the other person is – for example it isn’t okay for someone to hit you when they’re mad no matter if its your partner, your friend, or your boss.
To sum it up, boundaries are the lines you draw around yourself that dictate how you allow yourself to be treated.
Why are boundaries important?
When you have strong boundaries you also have a strong sense of self. Knowing who you are and what your values are will help you to communicate with others and to live authentically – both things that contribute to a sense of safety.
A lack of boundaries can lead to any number of issues such as people-pleasing and enmeshment. Poor personal boundaries can also make you an easy target for people looking to take advantage of a situation.
Boundaries and Kids
Boundaries are especially important for children as they set the foundation for all of their relationships as they get older.
Healthy boundaries between yourself and your kids can help bolster communication, reduce conflict, and provide them with a sense of security.
This can be difficult to hear for folks who are learning to break generational trauma and learning on-the-go how to set their own boundaries – but as with most things parenting its more important to be aware and do your best than it is to be perfect.
Modeling boundaries
No matter what we tell our kids our actions will always speak louder than our words which means that modeling the behavior we want to see in our kids is often more important than what we tell them.
Since boundaries are present in every aspect of our life this makes modeling healthy boundaries both easier and harder than you may think.
Modeling behaviors around your kids can look like…
- Saying no respectfully to a friend or partner
- Accepting help when you need it
- Asking for space when you’re upset or overwhelmed
- Communicating discomfort
So with all of that in mind lets get down to business – what is the golden rule of gentle parenting?
The Golden Rule of Gentle Parenting
If you set a boundary, hold the boundary.
That’s it!
No, really, that’s it – that’s the golden rule of gentle parenting. If your kids don’t believe you when you tell them you will, or won’t, do something then everything starts to fall apart.
Here’s an example
“If you throw your blocks again I’m going to put them away because it isn’t safe”
With Boundaries
Child throws the blocks
“You threw your blocks, so I’m going to put them away.”
Put the blocks away
“Let’s find something we can throw safely, whats something soft we could throw?”
Redirecting the behavior
“Pillows are a great choice! Let’s throw pillows at your bed until we get all our throws out”
Encouraging safe alternatives
Without Boundaries
Child throws the blocks
“I told you to stop throwing your blocks!”
Don’t put the blocks away
“Stop throwing your blocks at the dog!”
Don’t put the blocks away
“If you throw that block one more time I’m getting rid of them!”
Don’t put the blocks away
“That’s it! No more blocks! Why don’t you ever listen!”
Throw away the blocks
By drawing boundaries, and holding those boundaries, children are more likely to listen to you the first time and to believe what you say. In turn that helps your kids to feel safer because they know they can trust your actions to match your words.
In the example above the child without boundaries has no way of knowing if you really mean they should stop or if you really mean that you’ll throw their blocks away.
Kids need healthy boundaries so they can feel safe.
Wrap Up
Gentle parenting can sometimes be misconstrued as being permissive to the point of having zero discipline but it is actually quite the opposite.
Consistently setting and holding boundaries about behavior requires a lot of discipline… from the parent.
Gentle parenting is in someways harder than other kinds of parenting because it requires so much emotional labor and awareness on the parents part.
But what do you think?
Do you agree with me about the golden rule of gentle parenting? If not what do you think it is?
Comment below and let me know!
If you’re interested in learning more about the importance of healthy boundaries for kids than check out my post all about it!
