1. Offer Choices Instead of Commands

Simple changes in language can have a BIG impact on how kids react to being told what to do. A great way to see this is by offering choices instead of commands.

Instead of… “It’s time for bed, go brush your teeth”

Try… “It’s time for bed, do you want to brush your teeth first or do PJs first?”

By offering the choice between two things that you want to happen you are setting up a win-win scenario.

Your kiddo gets to feel like they have some input about what is going on and you get to do bedtime with more involvement and less resistance.

2. Acknowledge and Name Feelings

When kids get upset about small things it can be hard to empathize with them, but big feelings offer a great chance to learn about recognizing and responding to feelings.

Let’s say that your toddler trips and falls on the playground

Instead of… “Stop crying, it wasn’t that bad”

Try… “I see you’re upset! Was that scary or did it hurt?”

By naming the feeling they’re having (upset) and asking them to think about what caused it (fear or pain) toddlers can start learning to recognize their feelings.

As they learn to identify their emotions by themselves they’re also learning to recognize when they can handle a situation (surprise) and when they need to come to you for help (hurt).

Knowing that you will listen to them now means that they will feel comfortable coming to you with bigger problems later.

3. Explain Your No’s

Taking the time to explain why our kids can’t do things can sometimes slip our minds as parents since the answer seems so obvious.

But kids don’t always know obvious things, or they forget them quickly, so explaining why we’re saying no can help them understand why they need to listen.

Instead of… “Don’t throw that!” or “Because I said so!”

Try… “I see you want to throw your toy, but it isn’t safe to throw the toys inside because someone could get hurt.”

As kids begin to recognize that rules are in place for a reason it’s easier for them to listen. Gentle parenting uses a lot of observational language, and equivalent consequences, to help kids recognize cause and effect.

Speaking of…

4. Divert Don’t Double Down

When toddlers are acting out, diverting their attention to something else instead of trying to double down on saying no can save you so many headaches.

Instead of… escalating your no with yelling or threats.

Try… offering alternatives.
Some alternatives may be “You can throw your toy into the basket” or “Let’s take that game outside where there is more room to throw.”

Offering alternative ways to do things will help you avoid a lot of unnecessary power struggles throughout the day.

(It’s extra useful when you’re having a low-energy day and the constant ‘no’s’ are making everyone feel frustrated and unheard).

Working with kids to find alternative solutions helps them to build their creative thinking skills too!

5. Model Apologies

No one is perfect. We all lose our cool with our kids eventually.

It doesn’t make you a failure as a parent and it doesn’t mean that you aren’t cut out for gentle parenting. It just means you’re human. What matters most is how you handle things AFTER you lose your cool.

Instead of… justifying your behavior “I wouldn’t yell if you would just listen!” or “I yelled because you were being bad!”

Try… taking responsibility, apologizing, and modeling alternative ways to handle big feelings “I’m sorry I yelled at you earlier. I got mad and I didn’t handle that well. Next time I will try to take deep breaths when I feel so mad.”

It can be hard and awkward to make such direct apologies to kids. The language feels clunky when you start out and it may make you feel vulnerable or like you’re no longer in control – but the truth is that kids learn a lot more from what we do than from what we say.

While losing your cool and yelling may feel like failing, it can end up being an important part of helping your kids realize that everyone makes mistakes.

After all, it’s usually how we help to fix our mistakes that’s more important than the mistake itself.

Bonus Tip: Take a Parent Time Out

Sometimes there’s just too much happening and it isn’t possible to be the calm patient parent that you want to be.

If you get overwhelmed try taking a time out for a few minutes before you reach your boiling point. Explaining to kids that you need time to calm down is a great way to teach through example how to handle big feelings.

Instead of… losing your cool and resorting to yelling or hitting

Try… “Mommy is SO MAD right now. I am MAD MAD MAD”
(you can even throw in some big dinosaur stomps if you want to) “Oh, I am so mad! I need to go and calm down” – and then go and sit behind a closed door for 2 or 3 minutes.

As long as your child is in a safe place it’s okay to take a minute by yourself to calm down. It’s amazing how much of a difference a few minutes can make in helping you to get re-centered.

(Quick, obvious, not: If they’re snacking on a potential choking hazard, near open water, or otherwise in a possibly dangerous area don’t leave them unattended – try taking a few deep breaths instead).

What do you think?

Do you agree with these tips for how to be a gentler parent or did I forget something important? Are you going to try any of these tips at home?

Comment below and let me know!

For more information about gentle parenting check out my post What’s the Deal with Gentle Parenting?